There are a lot of things I can do, and I do a lot of those. And there’s something I can’t do, which is everything. That is to say, I can’t do everything. Also I can’t eat everything. My cravings and my goals are similar in that way.
As anyone who’s read my blog for a while knows, my interests are broad. Exhibit A, the category cloud to the right. And somewhere in here are a few posts detailing my many bold goals and determined plans for myself. Near the top is finally going to college – not for the sake of going though the Monkey supportively says that’s enough of a reason in his book for me to go – but to facilitiate a career change from fundraising to sustainable agriculture advocacy. It’s a serious craving, and a very big helping on my already full/filling plate.
And if you’ve read my blog in the last month I might have mentioned that I am pregnant. I don’t have cravings per say, for a single food or for an odd combination of foods, though for a week or so I ate many pickles. What I get are fixations. I see a picture or hear someone mention a food and I cannot stop thinking about how much I want to eat it. I’ve made side trips to markets and bakeries to satisfy these fixations. Nothing outrageous. Just, a cupcake, or butter chicken, or grilled cheese. At the moment my need for a cheeseburger is unrequited but I am plotting. The thing is, because of other physiological changes, I can’t eat as much as I want to – I get full fast and I feel terrible when my tummy is full.
… I’m going to scream right now thinking about how much I want one juicy, salty, cheesey cheeseburger on a smooshed, tomato-soggy bun with an ooze of pinkmayoketchup dripping toward my greedy hands. God help me. Be right back .
No, I didn’t go get a cheeseburger. I made a grilled cheese sandwich. Because that’s what you do when you can’t do everything: you do what you can.
In the vast list that is everything, I decided, the first summer session at my community college is part of the everything I can’t do. My Drowsy Serenity is voracious, gobbling up so much of my energy and motivation that I cannot bear the thought of three-hour classes and two or three days a week of rushing on the metro from work to class and back home. But, like this delcious grilled cheese sandwich, I found the perfect substitute, and it’s probably more suited to my smaller appetite anyway: a non-credit online creative non-fiction course through the University of Wisconsin-Madison led by a writing professor and completed in my own time. I can keep up a few hours of study sans classes, transit and finals, and make some progress on the goal of being a very good writer. I will share drafts and assignments here, and any other thoughts about writing that come my way as I work through the course.
It’s no cheeseburger, but this home-made grilled cheese sandwich hits the spot right now.