First the foods that are keeping me happy right now. Forgive the brand promotion but these people have my deep gratitude.

1) Kashi blueberry waffles. These little guys are like guilt-free versions of an Eggo toaster waffle. Instead of being made of deadly crap, they’re made of – and I’m not exaggerating: whole wheat flour, oat flour, brown rice, triticale, barley and buckwheat and ground flaxseed. And blueberries. For 150 calories, I can have two of these whole grain marvels, and for less than another 100 calories, a pat of butter, a drizzle of maple syrup, sliced strawberries and a dollop of plain greek style yogurt for tang. A dash of cinnamon over that and I’m in breakfast heaven. Fiber, protein, fruit – can’t go wrong.

2) Laura’s Wholesome Junkfood Extreme Chocolate Fudge Bite-lettes. I don’t have an appetite for sweet things right now, and these are a good balance of light sweetness and rich chocolate – like a good dark chocolate bar can be. But these little balls of goodness have rolled oats, rice flour, dates, coconut and soy powder, and just two of them have only 110 calories. They’ve got a little dose of potassium, calcium, iron and protein. And they’re dark chocolate. Two make a perfect midafternoon snack for me right now. Whoever you are, Laura, thank you.

3) Naked brand fruit smoothie drinks. I always avoided these because, though delicious and packed with real fruit puree and juice with no sugar added, they’re pretty calorie dense drinks. A 15 oz bottle is considered 2 servings and contains 300 calories. BUT, no fat, no added sugar and, depending on which fruit blend you’re drinking, a host of vitamins and minerals, micronutrients and antioxidants. Since I need like 300 calories more daily to feed the Red Bean and all the additional personal uh, attributes, for incubation, it’s a nutritious snack I no longer feel guilty about. Usually on my walk home from work I’m pretty hungry and feeling a little ill. A bottle of Naked makes me feel worlds better and tides me over till I can rest and then fix something for dinner.

Now for books. Pregnancy books are a touchy subject to me, because, as I have mentioned, most of them suck hard. They’re badly written, boring, and assume that a) you and your spouse don’t get along, b) you have every right to be the worst, most selfish version of yourself right now to other people  while being some kind of monumentally regal baby-making goddess, and c) your ability to make good choices depends on said books. For that reason, I’m pretty much not reading any more of them. But three have made the cut. Maybe others will but I remain skeptical.

1) The Pregnancy Countdown Book. OK, this one does all three of the things above, but still offers some fun insights into baby’s development, in page-a-day format for the 240 or so days of pregnancy. I don’t love it but we keep it by the toilet, and I dislike it less than some others.

2) Bonding Before Birth. A joyful little book that I read in full on a bus ride home from New York, Bonding Before Birth is an encouraging look at all the ways you can do good things for your weetle bean while it’s cookin’. The author is a little opinionated at times, and has a tendancy to pick and choose which research she holds sacred and which she takes with a grain of salt, but overall it’s a neat look at how mom’s life affects babe. For example, when I exercise, the endorphins that make me feel good afterward make baby feel good too. When I’m relaxed, baby and I are equally free from the damaging effects of high cortisol levels. When I’m eating good foods, (duh) baby gets good stuff to build parts with. She describes it more artfully, and I really enjoyed reading it. It’s one of the only books I’ve come across that praises sex during pregnancy – love and affection between partners makes mom happy, and all the good hormones in my system afterward also reach baby. Oxytocin, the “love and bonding” hormone, has similar wonderful affects for baby that it does for mom and dad. I appreciated that at least one pregnancy book makes the assumuption that the people who just decided to become parents actually love each other and enjoy sex, and encourage the having of it. Bravo, Dr. Stoddard.

3) Momma Zen. I cannot describe how wholly I love this book. In a series of open-hearted essays, the author describes her experience of pregnancy and motherhood as a path in her life’s journey toward balance and wholeness. I love her warm and encouraging tone, even when laying bare the loss of her desired “birth plan”, the agony of sleep deprivation,  the challenge of not giving way to the lust for stuff. She describes each of her steps in terms of how to yield gracefully to the new things happening to you, to the new forces at work and in control of your body and your time, and to the magic that awaits each moment. Her writing makes me feel peaceful, capable and assured. Also, it has Cherrios on the cover. I plan to give this book to every pregnant friend for the rest of my life.

As anyone who’s read my blog for a while knows, my interests are broad. Exhibit A, the category cloud to the right. And somewhere in here are a few posts detailing my many bold goals and determined plans for myself. Near the top is finally going to college - not for the sake of going though the Monkey supportively says that’s enough of a reason in his book for me to go – but to facilitiate a career change from fundraising to sustainable agriculture advocacy. It’s a serious craving, and a very big helping on my already full/filling plate.

And if you’ve read my blog in the last month I might have mentioned that I am pregnant. I don’t have cravings per say, for a single food or for an odd combination of foods,  though for a week or so I ate many pickles. What I get are fixations. I see a picture or hear someone mention a food and I cannot stop thinking about how much I want to eat it. I’ve made side trips to markets and bakeries to satisfy these fixations. Nothing outrageous. Just, a cupcake, or butter chicken, or grilled cheese. At the moment my need for a cheeseburger is unrequited but I am plotting. The thing is, because of other physiological changes, I can’t eat as much as I want to -  I get full fast and I feel terrible when my tummy is full.

… I’m going to scream right now thinking about how much I want one juicy, salty, cheesey cheeseburger on a smooshed, tomato-soggy bun with an ooze of pinkmayoketchup dripping toward my greedy hands. God help me. Be right back .

…

No, I didn’t go get a cheeseburger. I made a grilled cheese sandwich. Because that’s what you do when you can’t do everything: you do what you can.

I really did make a grilled cheese halfway through this post. Sometimes it comes together in the doing.

In the vast list that is everything, I decided, the first summer session at my community college is part of the everything I can’t do. My Drowsy Serenity is voracious, gobbling up so much of my energy and motivation that I cannot bear the thought of three-hour classes and two or three days a week of rushing on the metro from work to class and back home. But, like this delcious grilled cheese sandwich, I found the perfect substitute, and it’s probably more suited to my smaller appetite anyway: a non-credit online creative non-fiction course through the University of Wisconsin-Madison led by a writing professor and completed in my own time.  I can keep up a few hours of study sans classes, transit and finals, and make some progress on the goal of being a very good writer. I will share drafts and assignments here, and any other thoughts about writing that come my way as I work through the course.

It’s no cheeseburger, but this home-made grilled cheese sandwich hits the spot right now.

DAMMIT! I missed day one!

I signed up for the WordCount Blogathon again this year.

Then promptly missed day one. Officially I lose. That will make the rest of the month sooo much more manageable.

Why did I sign up, knowing how many things I have going on? Because last year I loved the camaraderie and the satisfaction of writing every single day. Of sharing my voice and my perspective and driving myself to think, express and communicate.  I love writing.

And what obstacles will I face in blogging daily for the month of May?

First and foremost, I can’t keep my eyes open half the time these days. I’m 7 weeks pregnant. I’ve intentionally chosen not to call this “tired” – though sometimes I call it The Tired, because it deserves a title. I’ve been opting to call it, to myself, My Drowsy Serenity. More on My Drowsy Serenity later.

I’m also transitioning to new tasks at work – from managing our various event-based fundraising (marathons, biking tours, fundraising dinners, etc, put on by donors across the country to support cancer research) to our corporate relationships (companies who support cancer research through their corporate giving or marketing budgets). And at the moment, I’m doing both jobs, and will soon be training our new events person, once he or she is hired.

I’m also planning on taking a couple of classes during the summer term at the community college where I’ve been working on the long-put-off goal of getting my degree. I took calculus and physical geography last semester. I think, all things considered, the summer session might be devoted to something like art appreciation.

As a result of My Drowsy Serenity, I have found new ways to show compassion for myself. Naps, morning meditation, and a slower walk to work are a few. Add: not beating myself up for failing the blogathon goal on the first day. As they say in New Orleans, it is what it is. And here I am, posting on day two because It’s What I Can Do.

There are more things in my life with capital letters in my life right now.

We were in our weekly development staff meeting (which only happens about one week in three, and is not to be mistaken with staff development meeting, which would be for our betterment – this is in fact, development, that is, fundraising, staff, sitting around yakking about what we need to be working on).

After some interesting conversation about [trade secrets] and a few quick reviews of [confidential] we were kind of just wrapping up, and someone commented wouldn’t it be great if our boss brought his new baby in for an afternoon to liven up the office. We joked about the playpen in the hallway and where to stash mommy in case biological needs reared (ha, get it) their head. I added, “Plus we could have a baby crying in the background on donor calls. We could say, Do you hear that? That baby’s crying because of cancer.” Laughs were had by all. Except by one coworker who said under the laughter, “That’s over the line.” Someone, not me, waved a hand at her and she said quite forcefully, “No, it’s not ok. That was over the line and I am offended by that kind of talk.”

I apologized, but come on. Babies crying at cancer. Fundraising gold.

Amanda Hirsch, frequently referenced here as my blogging spirit guide, has followed her writer’s soul to another blog – a more free form expression of what she’s thinking and learning and working on. In December she participated in a daily writing project called Reverb 2010 (I tried, and just couldn’t keep up) reflecting on the past year and thinking through the one ahead. I really enjoyed her insightful and reflective posts as part of that project. At present, her posts fuel the fire in me to find my bliss and figure out how to live off it.

My friend Rachel, who like Amanda I met through improv, is an ardent lover of food (especially meat (especially pork (especially bacon))). She is one of those amazing people who manages to afford fine dining without going broke and eat amazing food without gaining weight. (Maybe she manages her budget and calories wisely but I prefer to think she practices witchcraft.) To the point, she recently began a great blog called FoodEvangelista, in which she chronicles her DC dining experiences. And I’ve been her dining companion for two posts, to boot.

My friend Lisa (did you meet her through improv too, you ask? as a matter of fact, yes) recently made some major life changes and is now teaching yoga  and improv (sometimes at the same time) and writing a blog about the amazing things that can happen when we stay in the moment. hellomoment is a breath of fresh air!

If I haven’t said so before now, Two Hands and a Roadmap is a brilliant blog. I met Tara – wrong! – through a month-long blogathon last year (I think we both successfully posted 30 days in a row) and Tara is hilarious. She also spiffified her blog recently and now I feel small. I hope, should I become a mom, to be something like her. I like to imagine people passing Tara in the grocery store, barely noticing her, never imagining that they’ve just walked past a woman who is probably in the midst of a crazy adventure that will become a blog post later. I bet she looks normal. If only they knew.

Until I get my act together and start posting something substantive again, one of these is certainly worth your time.

I can’t blame you if you left. What a horrible writer I’ve been the last three months (more? I lost count, and anyway I forgave myself already for not writing and frankly I’ve hinted at how freaking busy I’ve been so you know what, back off and cut me some slack and – oh, wait, if you’re reading now you have cut me slack and you’re still here reading and I should say instead: hey there, long time no see!)

My plate is full. And the plate I’m referring to is the metaphorical one on which are piled the portions filling my belly these days and not the plates which are sticky and unwashed on the counter from last night. Though both represent the current state of things with me. I have calculus three nights per week and a three hour Physical Geography class every Saturday morning and homework on nights I’m not in class. Somehow I still find the time to watch The Tudors (soap operas for the history lover?) and brew beer with the Monkey. Oh and work.
Speaking of work, they asked me to stop being late. Which means leaving before 9 am each day and, more injurious, leaving alone instead of walking with the Monkey as far as the metro station where he goes and I grab a bus. Nope,  now I kiss him goodbye while he’s still in the tub, my coffee half drunk and pants unironed, and get to work at the acceptably late 9:18 or so. Now I could change my workday schedule to a marriage-friendly 10-6, but that danged calculus class is at 5:30, so no-go. Maybe next semester.

I miss writing. A lot. In my dream world, I quit my job, take 4 classes/semester and find writing gigs on food system issues to cover tuition. Of course, in the Monkey’s dream world, he quits his job too. So, no-go. Maybe next life.

1. Work for pay. My life does not need this exchange of my creativity for money.  It’s crass. I’m happy to do nice things to help you if you need it and I know how to do it. I’d like to discuss play for pay. Deal?

2. Rent. My life doesn’t need the stress of a monthly payment to some stranger just to live in my home. Just let me have my home.  I’ll help make sure it’s a nice place to live near, good neighbor and all that.  Deal?

3. Cleaning. Ick. I’m so bad at it anyway. I will feel a lot better if we take it off my to-do list altogether. Then I can stop feeling guilty when I don’t do it.

4. Guilt. Eliminating the things in this list will do a long way to eliminating #4 here, but in case anything I have not anticipated crops up, let’s just make it clear that I don’t need guilt.  The fact is that I’m probably not sorry for anything I have done, because I had a good reason for doing it at the time.

5. Junk emails. I like getting offers of great deals, so just send me the ones I want and not the ones I don’t, and it would be great if they self-deleted in 24 hrs if not used. How hard is that?

6. Distance. I can totally do without distance between places I want to be. The impact here will be especially good because I can now stop by the Monks Kettle in San Francisco on my (short) walk home any given evening. Also I’ll waste a lot less time getting to class. Mardi Gras will be a breeze this year.

7. Temperature Extremes. My life will work best between 55 and 75 degrees. This will also allow me to meet goal number 8:

8. Excessive clothing. My life needs less clothing (hence less laundry, see #3).  Also #1 will improve the clothing situation since I’ll no longer be obligated to have separate work and non-work wardrobes.

9. Mornings. My life would be better if we eliminated them by sleeping through them. I’m totally willing to accomplish this by staying up later. In fact, I propose a schedule where I sleep from 1 am till around 9:30 am. And don’t think you can talk me out of this, now that I can feel no #4.

10. All cords on all electronic equipment.  They ruin any aesthetic.

11. Computers. When I think of all the things I do on computers, and realize if I just eliminated them – the TIME I’d have! To enjoy not working for pay, free housing, easy travel, guiltfree self-indulgence, balmy weather and cordless… uh… cordless…hmmm.